David's Speech

David's Speech at UCSC

Good morning. Thank you Professor Hoffman for allowing me to speak. I am going to read my speech now. My name is David. I have a mental illness. My diagnosis is that I am bipolar with schizophrenia. That is, I have schizo-affective disorder. Schizophrenia means I hear voices. Bipolar means I have mood swings from depression to mania. The symptoms I have had are paranoia, mania, depression, hallucinations, voices, visions, excessive fear, delusions, and on occasion violent feelings.

The medications that I take are Depakote, Closaril, Seroquel, and Neurontin. The Depakote is for mood swings. The Closaril is for voices. The Seroquel is for psychosis. The Neurontin is to stop anxiety and stop my burning feeling.

The side effects from the medications are: tremor, rash, dry mouth, dizzy, light headed, loss of consciousness, short term memory loss, bloated stomach, and over sensitive to light and sound.

The biology of schizophrenia is that it is a physical disease where the brain produces to much dopamine which is a neurotransmitter. Also, the brain tissue of schizophrenia has larger gaps between the folds of the brain compared to the normal brain. Schizophrenia is a physical disease just as heart disease is a physical disease.

I grew up with a very low self-esteem in elementary school. I was also raised by an alcoholic mother. I broke up with a girl friend in my first year of college. I suffered a severe depression as a result of that breakup in 1982. So, I moved from Marin to Los Gatos and I went to work instead. I tried to go to college but was too depressed to study, so I went to work instead.

In 1989 I was slipped some acid or PCP or something in my beer. I had an extremely bad trip and that is when my schizophrenia started. I was at a concert and the music was my favorite music and then it became evil, sick, and twisted sounding. I thought that everyone was a worker of satin and I was alone. Later I had the reverse experience where I thought everyone I met was God himself play acting every person. This time when I hear music lyrics I thought God was talking to me. The bad trip was when my psychosis began. I spoke some bizarre things in a meeting and was taken to the emergency psychiatric unit and was told to see a psychiatrist.

I was dual diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and Ativan addiction. The first psychiatric medication I ever took was Prolixin. Taking that first pill was traumatic for me. It was to me admitting that I am crazy.

I had a severe panic attack about a year after seeing a psychiatrist. I try to admit myself to the hospital because I felt like I was dying but they would not admit me. My Doctor prescribed Ativan to stop my panic attack which later I became addicted to.

Later I found a Doctor to get me off of Ativan who was trained in addictive medicine. It took me 10 months to get off of Ativan which I had been taking for about a year.

I went to Pills Anonymous meetings, which is a 12 step program based the alcoholics anonymous. When I got off of Ativan I also went completely off of my other medication Trilaphon without notifying my Doctor. That was a big mistake. The Police picked me up and took me to the emergency psychiatric unit Valley Medical. The Police picked me up because I refused to leave a restaurant and I thought they had poisoned me. At the psychiatric unit I was put in a straight jacket for softly singing to myself and standing. I would not stop so they put me in restraints which is also called four point. I was in a sound proof room. I was force injected with Haldol against my will. I had a severely unpleasant feeling to it that made me suicidal. I felt so horrible that I wanted to die. I just wanted to get out of the unit and kill myself. I lied and answered all the questions correctly to get discharged. I took a taxi home and instead of killing myself when I got home I prayed for 3 days straight. I felt like I was going insane for 3 days. Everything was driving me crazy. My thoughts and feelings and everything I saw were driving me crazy. I woke up crazy and I went to bed crazy. Finally the Haldol side effects wore off and I felt better.

3 days after feeling better then there was the earthquake of ’89. I have been to the psychiatric hospital several times. One time I got into someone’s car that was open in front of my church and pretended to be unconscious. They called the ambulance, which picked me up and took me to the regular hospital. I opened my eyes and woke from my fake sleep and I said I had taken lots of lithium so they pumped my stomach. They pumped my stomach 3 times. Each time until the point that I passed out. It was unreal how unpleasant it was.

One time I had the delusion that I was a cyborg, Part man part computer. I thought I was filming a movie with my eyes and that I was the director and everybody else were actors as I walked along the beach.

Another time I thought I was being prepared to be the President of the United States.

One time a prayed to be a psychic. That is when the voices began. They said “At your service”. I have been hearing voices for several years. Now I pray them away by saying “Jesus, heal me from hearing voices” and God has been silencing the voices. I rely on God to heal me from symptoms like voices, anxiety, and burning sensations.

One time I blacked out and found myself waking up as I was walking towards home due to the Zoloft I had taken. I was talking out loud to myself unintelligible sounds as I walked home.

I have gone to and lead Dual Recovery Anonymous meetings. I have worked up to the 5^th step of the 12 step program. I has been helpful and helped me cope with schizophrenia and bipolar illness. It is a program based on Alcoholics Anonymous for people who have had drug problems and are mentally ill. I am still working my recovery using the 12 step program.

I have had many jobs including working at Apple Computer 6 times. Several times as a lead tester. Each time unable to complete the contract on get a permanent job due to my illness. They called me with a job testing video software but I had to turn it down because I could only work part time and I could not commute over the hill.

I have had to let go of friends who are alcoholics as part of my well being. I can never again see the friend who slipped me acid or whatever caused the bad trip.

I read the bible and prayed Psalms from the Bible when I feel attacked spiritually like from voices of demons, high anxiety, or feeling a burning feeling which I have felt periodically.

I have applied to be a peer support councilor at MHCAN (The Mental Health Client Action Network). I receive Social Security Disability Insurance for income.

I took an HTML class at Cabrillo College and designed a web site for NAMI-SCC last year which is National Alliance for the Mentally Ill Santa Cruz.

I am a musician, a graphics artist, a poet, and software tester. I studied JAVA at Cabrillo College unsuccessfully. It was too difficult for me. I did not understand it. I wanted to be a Macintosh programmer but it looks like that would be too difficult for me.

I want to get an AA degree at Cabrillo College. I would like to go to UCSC.

With the help of my Lord Jesus, the Bible, the AA big book, medications that work, family support, group therapy, private therapy, Dual Recovery Anonymous, my prayers and others prayers, and recovery books, I am getting better.

Many times I have felt like I wanted to die but I am committed to living and getting better. My medications are working for me finally after much trial and error.
There were some medications that made me suicidal namely: Haldol, Navane, Zoloft, and Ativan which is a benzodiazapine

Recently when I was on the bus after a particularly stressful Peer Support Training Class I thought everybody on the bus was talking to me. Then I thought that God entered the bus. He was smiling, had a radiant and loving face, and he was a Jew. He looked like a Jewish man. He represented to me how God would look, namely loving. The bible says that “God is love”. The bible also says “the pure in heart will see God”. He helped me out by saying “the bus has not stopped yet” as I started to get up before the bus stopped.

I live in a Residential Care Center for the mentally ill. They manage my medications, prepare my meals, and do my laundry. There is a Doctor on call and a nurse who visits. There are nice staff here 24 hours. It is excellent. I feel well most of the time. I am doing excellent. Thank you for listening. God bless.

For a list of recommended books that David uses to inspire his continued recovery please click here.

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